I had an epiphany tonight. A horrible epiphany and the epiphany is this: I carry a heavy sense of failure around with me everyday. It is thick and exhausting at times. It eats away at the very core of my confidence in being a parent of a child on the spectrum but also my confidence in being a parent to my two neurotypical children as well. This sense of failure breeds a terrible guilt and it's a guilt I don't think I should carry anymore.
The awareness of this heavy baggage I carry came about this way. Tonight my husband asked me what I knew about Jenny McCarthy's son and if I believed he was actually "cured" of autism. I said I didn't know but she claims to have been able to find things to heal he son of autism. I then launched into this whole speech about how she had more money and more resources than we did and that is how she was able to find the answer for her child. I started talking about all the things I wish we could have done for our son and my husband sighed and said something to the effect of, "Haven't we had this conversation many times before about Jesse? We've covered this for Jesse. I was asking about Jenny McCarthy."
I felt terribly wounded by his comment and a little bit indignant too. Why wouldn't he want to talk about all the ways we could have helped our son? Why doesn't he want to rehash the past and figure out where we went wrong? I asked myself feeling so alone. I then answered my own question, because it's the past and there is nothing we can do to change it. My hurt and indignation turned to self discovery.....I realized tonight that feel like I failed to fix my son's autism. That pain of feeling like I fell short of caring for someone who my entire world revolves around caring for was so sharp and deep I couldn't breathe for a moment.
Thoughts of inadequacy and failure flooded in. I should have found the answers like Jenny did. I should have prayed harder, looked into more alternative therapies, read more books, went to more doctors. I should have got a second job to pay for all the latest and greatest snake oils and magic potions they try to sell to us with a child on the spectrum. Some of them had to work for someone, right? I should have taken him to hypnotists and hygienists and medicine men and natuopathic physicians. I should have moved heaven and earth and left no stone unturned until I found a cure for my son. That is what all the moms on the TV movies do when they have a sick child. That's what Jenny did The thoughts of failure began to overwhelm me. I am a terrible mother. I did a terrible job. I failed my vulnerable son who needed me to cure him. Needed me to fix him. I failed Jesse. I failed Jesse......
However, just when the guilt and self loathing was at it's peak and I was unsure how I could go on in life with this thought I argued the other side and reasoned with myself. But I couldn't do more than I did....I thought to myself. I did the best I could with what I have. Most importantly, from the very begining of this journey of autism I put Jesse in God's hands and I followed Him wherever He led me to take Jesse. And God lead us in the right directions. He had some wonderful therapists who helped Jesse have incredible breakthroughs in his development. Jesse has always seemed to get just what he needs or who he needs at each stage in his development. Just when my husband and I think there is no answer for whatever current issue Jesse is going through a solution presents itself. God never fails and so Jesse has been and will be okay. We have never been wanting for quality therapies, therapists, teachers, aides or programs. And Jesse is doing very, very well at age almost 12.
At this point it dawned on me....maybe there was not magic bullet I should have looked harder to find for Jesse. Maybe there was and is no cure for his autism. Maybe I should let go of the horrible guilt I feel because maybe I wasn't a failure. Maybe Jesse is right where God wants him to be. I'm sure I failed him somewhere along the way. All parents fail their children at one time or another but Jesse has gotten what he needs. God has provided wisdom and resources to help us parent Jesse and I trust He will continue to be faithful for anything that is in our future.
I must work to leave behind thoughts of woulda, shoulda, coulda because even if they are true, even if I failed him in part I can't go back. I can only be the best parent I can be to him now. I can only love him for everything he is and help him wade through the symptoms of his autism as they arise. I can't know the future or change the past. I can only be Jesse's mom today and continue trusting that God will lead us wherever Jesse needs to go.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
